Ramblings
I haven't written anything in a while not because I have nothing to say, but because I have so much that I don't know how to piece it and/or where to start.
The minute I begin to type and gather my thoughts, the powerful pull of the delete button takes over my finger and I just continually press until all that's left is what I had begun to work with - a blank page.
It's crazy how life seems to just be zipping by me right now. Cliche as this may be, it's flying way too fast for my own good. I used to think I had all the time in the world, now I barely have any at all - not even when all I do is sit idly and wait for the sun to set and the next day's light to break.
But of all the things I dislike the most at this very moment, I dislike the fact that I can now say I know how it feels to hate what you do, but are too afraid to make changes because of the choices previously made, or lack thereof.
See, I'm currently left stagnant because, due to limited opportunities, I'm stuck doing something that leaves me constantly second-guessing myself. Ultimately, I do not like what I am doing, but I am left with very little to work on because A.) I get paid okay here, and B.) I've become afraid of what might become of me if I should ever choose to leave.
I never used to be like this. Now, I incessantly wonder what the hell happened to the girl that I once was. Where did she go, that little girl who didn't mind if the next few weeks were unclear as hell?
I guess, the best answer I can come up with is, that girl opened her eyes, saw that what needed to be done was bigger than her own selfish dreams, and needed this sacrifice because of it. Still, I can't help but wonder, is this going to be it? Is this all that I came for... all that I gave everything else up for?
I sure hope not.
I hope, somewhere in the not-so-distant future, that I'd still be able to build what I need to and do what I have to - without all of this exhaustion. I hope, down the road, I'd be able to wake up, run to the train, get to work, and not inwardly regret and grumble. I hope, some time soon, I'd be able to smile and not wonder if this was even worth giving up everything else for.
I hope.
The minute I begin to type and gather my thoughts, the powerful pull of the delete button takes over my finger and I just continually press until all that's left is what I had begun to work with - a blank page.
It's crazy how life seems to just be zipping by me right now. Cliche as this may be, it's flying way too fast for my own good. I used to think I had all the time in the world, now I barely have any at all - not even when all I do is sit idly and wait for the sun to set and the next day's light to break.
But of all the things I dislike the most at this very moment, I dislike the fact that I can now say I know how it feels to hate what you do, but are too afraid to make changes because of the choices previously made, or lack thereof.
See, I'm currently left stagnant because, due to limited opportunities, I'm stuck doing something that leaves me constantly second-guessing myself. Ultimately, I do not like what I am doing, but I am left with very little to work on because A.) I get paid okay here, and B.) I've become afraid of what might become of me if I should ever choose to leave.
I never used to be like this. Now, I incessantly wonder what the hell happened to the girl that I once was. Where did she go, that little girl who didn't mind if the next few weeks were unclear as hell?
I guess, the best answer I can come up with is, that girl opened her eyes, saw that what needed to be done was bigger than her own selfish dreams, and needed this sacrifice because of it. Still, I can't help but wonder, is this going to be it? Is this all that I came for... all that I gave everything else up for?
I sure hope not.
I hope, somewhere in the not-so-distant future, that I'd still be able to build what I need to and do what I have to - without all of this exhaustion. I hope, down the road, I'd be able to wake up, run to the train, get to work, and not inwardly regret and grumble. I hope, some time soon, I'd be able to smile and not wonder if this was even worth giving up everything else for.
I hope.
posted by k59i84m at
2:11 PM
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