...

It's almost a week now... A week since I started speaking to you, a week since we started joking around and talking, a week since you first said "mahal kita" again, a week since we sent updates and photos.

One week... since the 4 months of being mute.

I've never been happier.
I've never been smiling as wide as I do now.

and yet, I've never felt as though my heart has just broken in two again.

Your tones changed when I asked that question... What does the recent flow of "mahal kita's" mean?

I was relieved when you said let's just see where it goes.
I also felt like my heart fell into a puddle of quicksand.

My heart confuses me.

But more than anything, I feel like breaking down again for the first time in a long time.

Because for the first time since this week... since the last months... since now...

I feel like we're about to let go.

For real, this time.

Like That

Gah.

I uberly dislike it when my head gets fogged with a slight lack of common sense. I'm running my bill up and though all of it feels like it's extremely worth the dent in my pocket, I seriously hate admitting the fact that the delayed reciprocation, or lack thereof, has been eating on me... more than it has before.

Deymet.

The silence was the worst, though. And I can't say that I am unhappy at the fact that now the conversation has begun to flow in again. But yeah, you know that sinking feeling you get when you send something out and you don't get anything back within the next minute, or the next hour... your head starts to spin, you're all tensed up, and inwardly you slap yourself over and over because you feel like such a fool? Yup, that one. I hate that. Try as I might to bury it, it still manages to rise up to the surface.

Kainez.

I'm redeveloping habits that I thought I'd gotten over. It's like my hands itch if I don't grab that stupid mobile every 15 seconds or so, and when nothing's there I swear to god I feel like throwing the damn thing against the wall. This is not how it's supposed to happen. I'm supposed to be normal... to be whatever I've been in the past couple months...

Buried in work.
Enclosed in mindless monotony.
and
Numb.

Just plain numb.

I think I may have to train myself again...

23

In the course of 3 months... I've written and deleted so many e-mails. I've dialed and ended so many attempted phone calls. This one probably won't make the cut either, but I'll keep it in my drafts.

My mom heard from Tita Heidi... because I could not believe what I heard about Rose. It was devastating. From moment to moment, the tears come. It was sad that I didn't get to say goodbye, although knowing she's in a better place now makes the grief a little less heavy.

She also told mom that you said you've been calling but I don't pick up. Oh, how I wish that were true. Believe it or not, there was only one time when I saw my phone with a missed call from an "unknown" number. I guess that was what you meant. I haven't received any "unknown" phone calls since.

I don't even know if you're going to read this, but I'll take my chances.

I wish you did call. Who am I kidding. Up until now I secretly wish I'd get a chance to hear your voice, if only for a while... just to talk, ask you how you've been, how your sister's doing, how you felt when Rose passed away. Yeah, it makes me sound like some desperate fool. And while I could possibly deny that by saying things like "Yeah, whatever, he's over me and I'm forgotten, and he's probably out and about with some other girl as we speak." Most of them see beyond the, as Carla would say, "fake bitterness" I put up.

Truth is, I'm not bitter at all. I'm just... sad.

Recently I pressured myself to start talking to a guy, because the thought of you possibly being with somebody else makes my stomach turn beyond all belief. The guy saw through that too. We ended, because he said my head was somewhere else and I said to him "If this is about Martin I really don't want to hear it because Anthony and I fought about that already."

He told me that it wasn't Martin he was worried about because he said he knew Martin sees me as a boy through and through, he said it was the other guy. He said it surprised him to know that all the other few guys I could manage to call exes, but always went on first name basis when it came to that name. And he said he understood, because he knew what it was like to be heartbroken. It was just that he didn't think he could compete with that. So we let go. That phase lasted all of 3 days. He never really stood a chance. He knew it. I knew it.

I was glad. All of the girls think I'm stupid for being glad that we parted ways. I really don't care. They all call me tonta, stupid, and in Filipino, Tanga. I'm tanga because they think I'm holding on to hope, and they see it as a very foolish thought considering that it's been months since we spoke to each other. I don't really give a shit either way.

Maybe I am holding on to a pipe dream, maybe I'll never really get the secret little prayer I've been reciting since I returned, maybe things really weren't meant to be. Maybe. But I'm a stubborn kid, so I'll hold on anyway.

Besides, it's not really as easy to open your heart up when someone else still has it in the first place.

I don't blame you for anything. More than anything, I blame myself. I guess this whole love thing really isn't cut out for me... But hey, falling for and wholeheartedly loving you was always and will always be worth every bit of anything that I feel right now.

I finally mustered up the courage to follow through with a call to 250 today, hoping that you'd be working there. I kinda actually called thrice. The first time, I was assuming the person that picked up could not hear me, because I sure did have a difficult time hearing the other end. The second, I tried and it did work better, but the guy who picked up I guess got upset because he said that I called and I wasn't saying anything and I just hung up. The third, he said you went to lunch and told me to call back. Naturally, I apologized for bothering him and said thank you.

It was nothing significant, really. I just finally coughed up the gut to call and say hi. Unfortunately, you weren't around. I guess that first attempt when the person that picked up and I couldn't hear each other should have been enough of a sign telling me to stop it already. But like I said, I'm too stubborn for my own good. Blame that on being a Taurean Bull.

I don't know when I'll learn my lesson. Maybe it'll take something really major for me to stop myself and finally start taking my heart back. I don't know.

In any case, I wish you the best. I hope you remain happy and I hope life's alright.