Right Now

I really don't know what to feel right now... all I know is that it shouldn't be this. This dull ache brought about by immense impatience and anxiety over what is, what if, and what might be. The paranoia is taking over me again, and I do not like it one wee bit. I am beginning to swim in a sea of dissatisfaction and a hyperbolic desire to immediately want more when my good sense tells me that I should just wait this out.

I managed for months... and although I do not regret the risk I took to get me to reconnect, the more self-gratifying side of me burns with a wanting so bad it takes all the strength of my heart and mind combined to restrain it from pushing me into doing something regrettable within the next minute. It's fucking exhausting, I tell ya.

I need to hang up for a bit... to let this tide wash out and eventually let Him take charge of it all.
I promised him I would, but the devil of selfish want and reckless doubt keeps hovering over my shoulder, whispering things I try with my might to not listen to... but my strength can only go so far, you know?

I don't want to take matters into my own hands. It's His plan, not mine, after all. Whatever happens is part of His path for me. I can't be all up in that business... meddling and messing up whatever the next moment holds.

The only idea I have at this moment is get on my knees and heed for more strength. Strength for patience. Strength for wisdom. Strength for courage.

Strength for acceptance... no matter the outcome.

He rules. He wins. He leads.

I merely follow.

Now all I need is to keep reciting that.

"Yeah, losing your heart’s desire is tragic. But gaining your heart’s desire... It’s all you can hope for. This year, I wished for love. To immerse myself in someone else and to wake a heart long afraid to feel. My wish was granted. And if having that is tragic… then give me tragedy. Because, I wouldn’t give it back for the world." - Peyton Sawyer, One Tree Hill

Wisdom of The Classics

I stumbled upon my Zen today. I haven't really had the chance to use it since the busy life set in. It was quite a pleasant surprise to hear the middle lines of the song I played the last time I used the thing.

I'm not talkin' bout movin' in
And I don't wanna change your life
But there's a warm wind blowin', the stars are out
And I'd really love to see you tonight

I won't ask for promises,
So you don't have to lie
We both played that game before
Say I love you then say goodbye...

That was from England Dan & John Ford Coley's 1976 hit "I'd Really Love To See You Tonight"... Yup, the song I played the last time I used the Zen. Yeah, yeah. So I like the classics too. Call me a cornball. But hey, it's got a hint of wisdom to it... which is highly applicable to me at the moment.

It's wonderful how music always has some sort of unsolicited advice to offer at the precise moment that you need it. Although most pop songs at the moment offer nothing more than the mere appreciation of apple bottom jeans with a triple shot of patron and a little bit of lime, there are still some diamonds in the rough that express feelings far more profound than the aforementioned... like being too fly to be depressed, for example.

The classics, however, I don't know, y'know... They've got a different ring to them. It's as if each composition was made out of sheer emotion rather than profitability... as if every note had a different feeling, a different thought... and every lyric is a solid piece of wisdom to any willing listener.

I'm hearing it... now, if only the rest of me would cooperate and listen.

hmm

I have stood here before inside the pouring rain
With the world turning circles running 'round my brain
I guess I'm always hoping that you'll end this reign
But it's my destiny to be the king of pain
- The Police, King Of Pain

So the beginning marks the end. I always thought I'd be able to keep this alive if I tried hard enough, but I guess reality has a way of throwing shit in my face... among other things.

-TBC-