Scared Senseless

The truth of the matter is that I am scared shitless I can't even function properly.

I don't like this... not one bit. I'm starting to feel things I buried a long, long time ago. They weren't supposed to come back... and the funny thing is, we're just getting started.

It's not even halfway through yet and already these little butterflies are supersizing into moths inside the pit of my stomach and the base of my four-chambered atrio-ventricular pumping machine. I don't have a heart, remember? It's been shattered into a bajillion shards a hundred times over.

Why do you torture me with such sweetness, God, if only to take it away? Truth be told, I'm running a muck inside of myself and as much as I would love to deny it, I cannot help but think that you're feeling some sort of satisfaction over seeing me squirm in my seat. *thunder thunder* What? that's how I feel. I'm not mad at you or anything, I'm just... restless.

Here's my prayer anyway.

Help me let go, because I can't afford to hold on.
Help me be free, because I don't want to cling.
Help me be brave, because I hate being scared.
Most of all, dear God,
Help me be me...
because I don't think I can handle getting lost like that again.

The Royal Screwup

Ladies and gentlemen, I think I may have just compromised the very great situation I've been in for the last month.

I didn't mean to push it, really. But I guess my stupid insecurities got the best of me. And now, the hollow ache at the pit of my stomach and the dull pain piercing at my chest is enough to twist my spine in seven different places.

All of you know... I'm nothing like this. I'm cool... steady... nonchalant. But no, this time I did myself in. Dammit. In the process of getting scared over screwing up, I might've just done the exact same thing that I fear.

I don't know, y'know? I hope it isn't like that. I'm really just up in the air right now. I don't know if I can change it but I'll try. I just don't know if the end-result is something I'm ready for - but I'll deal with it.

Deep down, I'm just a girl who desperately wants to be loved. I just don’t know how to accept it without pushing it away. For me, love means pain - and that’s why it's so hard to embrace it even when it means something good could come of it.