Between Leaving and Wanting To Stay

I'm scared now... I'm scared coz it's real and I can't take it back.

It's finally getting through to me - In approximately 2 weeks, I'm leaving. Leaving friends, leaving comforts, leaving stability, leaving steadiness...

Leaving home.

Earlier, I said I wanted to. Don't get me wrong, I still do. It's the only way I'll ever really manage myself independently. Most people would admire me for the courage to will it. The truth of the matter, though, is that they fail to see the anxieties behind the mask of bravery.

In every bit of technicality, I know I shouldn't be thinking about the what if's and just live for the anticipated moment. It is, however, easier said than done - just as most things in this life are. There a million things that make me want to just glue my feet to the ground, just as there are a million things that make me want to flee. It's confusingly ironic, but life's like that.

So I try my best to keep the doubts at bay; I fight the gnawing hesitation as much as I can. That is, until my strength gives out. Then, all that's left of me is the breakdown - for once more, I become scared and utterly vulnerable.

But that still doesn't help my dilemma - leaving and simultaneously wanting to stay.

Memoirs

"I just let you and the other girls have your way because that's how you need it to be. Pretty soon we're gonna graduate and I can start over. It'll be harder for the people who need this place to make them feel special - people who use high school to build themselves up and then find out that the real world doesn't care so much about who you were in high school. People like you."

-Bevin Mirskey, One Tree Hill

(Season 4, Episode 13 - Pictures of You)

I wish I'd said those words. Dammit.

LIFE LESSONS 1 of 2

Tidbits of pieces and things I've learned in the past 22 years...

- There is a God. Or for those who don't believe, a power higher than us.
- Everything else, aside from the above-mentioned, is relative.
- Valentine's is just a regular day sensationalized by both the romantic and giddy and the lonely and loveless. It's not even a public holiday.
- There's no use arguing points with people who have invisible ear plugs stuck to themselves.
- Nietzsche has always been right. What doesn't kill you makes you stronger; but if you feel like you're dying, you should go see a doctor.
- The bible was right too. God never gives us crosses we can't carry... sometimes we're just too unfit to keep dragging those deadweights. Jesus fell twice too.
- I can't help everyone, just myself. But that doesn't mean I shouldn't try.
- Discussions made by pointless people deserve to have pie thrown in their face. In the event of pie's nonexistence, acidic remarks will do.
- I can't please everyone, and not anyone can call me a friend.
- Karma's a big, fat bitch... but apparently the only one who can get away with revenge.
- Regrets are for losers. Whatever's happened, well... most of it anyway, is all on me and the choices I made.

let me appreciate

India.Arie rocks my socks. She's talking to me. She's talking to you, too.

You can't learn to love anyone else... unless you love yourself first.

Still could learn that...

Self-hate isn't such an easy habit to break.