The Letter I'd Like To Send
You,
How are you? I keep wondering, are you as alright as you put yourself up to be? Or, just as before, has it all remained a public front? Oh well, as long as they fail to notice the darkness in your eyes, you can deal... right?
Amazing how you and I are alike in so many ways... especially when it comes to saving face. I actually find it funny that you and I manage to see through each other when friends and family can't. Not that they don't try, you know, they just prefer not to pry. Anyway, that's not why I'm here.
In a few days from now, it'll be exactly 2 months since I arrived home. Ah, home... somehow, it doesn't feel as homey as it used to. Maybe it's just me, but it's the truth. Somehow, being here doesn't really sit as well as it should have. And with each day that passes, I become more convinced that although I'm where I'm supposed to be, I'm not where I want to be. And, admitting this for the first time, where I want to be is where you're at. Cheesy, ain't it? But it's true.
Although, there's a nagging sensation nipping at my side saying that you aren't really interested in that anymore...
I expected this, you know. I expected the absence of calls, the infrequency of emails. Hell, I even expected you to be over it all in a matter of days. Worst of all, I expect your unavailability once I get back there. It's all in my head, images of you busy with someone else... while I stare from a far distance.
And yet, my desire to return to where you are remains steadfast... because even if coming home to you was, is, part of the plan... I have bigger fish to fry. Also, I keep firm in the belief that if you are indeed preoccupied by the time I get back, I'll get over it.
It'll hurt immensely, just as it does now, but I'll get over it.
I'm not afraid to admit what hurts now... that's what you taught me - never be afraid to admit my true feelings, because it would be selfish to hide them from the people who love me. I suppose that's true, I have been pretty selfish - hiding the truth behind denial and all. But you took me out of that, and I've never been so thankful for it.
I love you, I still love you. It doesn't hurt to say it, because I've learned that the truth only hurts those who are afraid of it... and I'm not. I can't be. I've been down that road before and hiding from what was real never really did me any good... So I might as well just suck it up and take it like it is.
yes, I love you. There isn't a day that this fact escapes my head and my heart. Can you believe it? For once in my life, my heart and my mind are co-conspirators... when they were never so much as friends before. My mind doesn't resist thoughts and memories of you, and my heart constantly skips beats at the mere whisper of your name. See, they've conspired against my better sense... Oh well.
And now, it has all stopped. We don't speak anymore. It kills me. It kills me everyday knowing that this might be all over even before I truly see that it is. Honestly, though, the only thing that I would really like from you right now is just one note.... One note to tell me where we're at. Heck, even just the word STOP on one single subject line would do. It's all I need, really. Because it hurts more and more everyday knowing that this silence leaves me hanging on by a thread.
I wish the best for you. I always do. All of my prayers contain secret whispers that talk of only great things for you, and I hope that God will give you that. I'll keep doing that, because in spite of the current situation I just want your happiness for you. There's nothing more that would give me satisfaction than the knowledge that you are indeed happy... happy to be you, happy to be free, happy to be with somebody else. You wanna know something funny? That isn't even the masochist in me talking. That's just plain me... hoping all the best for you.
As for me, this pain will pass and all that's going to be left are the good memories of us that I will cherish until the day I die. Just as well, until that date when I'm about to expire comes, my heart is with you. I never took it back, and I don't have any plans to. Sure, I know down the road I might even see myself with someone else... and we might last longer than you and I did... but here's the thing, though, I will give him the same amount of affection, attention, and devotion but I know it isn't going to be comparable to what I laid out for you. Know why?
Because You'll always have my heart.
Because You'll always be in my head.
And because of all the ones before and all the ones after...
I'm always gonna love you the most.
Sincerely,
Me
How are you? I keep wondering, are you as alright as you put yourself up to be? Or, just as before, has it all remained a public front? Oh well, as long as they fail to notice the darkness in your eyes, you can deal... right?
Amazing how you and I are alike in so many ways... especially when it comes to saving face. I actually find it funny that you and I manage to see through each other when friends and family can't. Not that they don't try, you know, they just prefer not to pry. Anyway, that's not why I'm here.
In a few days from now, it'll be exactly 2 months since I arrived home. Ah, home... somehow, it doesn't feel as homey as it used to. Maybe it's just me, but it's the truth. Somehow, being here doesn't really sit as well as it should have. And with each day that passes, I become more convinced that although I'm where I'm supposed to be, I'm not where I want to be. And, admitting this for the first time, where I want to be is where you're at. Cheesy, ain't it? But it's true.
Although, there's a nagging sensation nipping at my side saying that you aren't really interested in that anymore...
I expected this, you know. I expected the absence of calls, the infrequency of emails. Hell, I even expected you to be over it all in a matter of days. Worst of all, I expect your unavailability once I get back there. It's all in my head, images of you busy with someone else... while I stare from a far distance.
And yet, my desire to return to where you are remains steadfast... because even if coming home to you was, is, part of the plan... I have bigger fish to fry. Also, I keep firm in the belief that if you are indeed preoccupied by the time I get back, I'll get over it.
It'll hurt immensely, just as it does now, but I'll get over it.
I'm not afraid to admit what hurts now... that's what you taught me - never be afraid to admit my true feelings, because it would be selfish to hide them from the people who love me. I suppose that's true, I have been pretty selfish - hiding the truth behind denial and all. But you took me out of that, and I've never been so thankful for it.
I love you, I still love you. It doesn't hurt to say it, because I've learned that the truth only hurts those who are afraid of it... and I'm not. I can't be. I've been down that road before and hiding from what was real never really did me any good... So I might as well just suck it up and take it like it is.
yes, I love you. There isn't a day that this fact escapes my head and my heart. Can you believe it? For once in my life, my heart and my mind are co-conspirators... when they were never so much as friends before. My mind doesn't resist thoughts and memories of you, and my heart constantly skips beats at the mere whisper of your name. See, they've conspired against my better sense... Oh well.
And now, it has all stopped. We don't speak anymore. It kills me. It kills me everyday knowing that this might be all over even before I truly see that it is. Honestly, though, the only thing that I would really like from you right now is just one note.... One note to tell me where we're at. Heck, even just the word STOP on one single subject line would do. It's all I need, really. Because it hurts more and more everyday knowing that this silence leaves me hanging on by a thread.
I wish the best for you. I always do. All of my prayers contain secret whispers that talk of only great things for you, and I hope that God will give you that. I'll keep doing that, because in spite of the current situation I just want your happiness for you. There's nothing more that would give me satisfaction than the knowledge that you are indeed happy... happy to be you, happy to be free, happy to be with somebody else. You wanna know something funny? That isn't even the masochist in me talking. That's just plain me... hoping all the best for you.
As for me, this pain will pass and all that's going to be left are the good memories of us that I will cherish until the day I die. Just as well, until that date when I'm about to expire comes, my heart is with you. I never took it back, and I don't have any plans to. Sure, I know down the road I might even see myself with someone else... and we might last longer than you and I did... but here's the thing, though, I will give him the same amount of affection, attention, and devotion but I know it isn't going to be comparable to what I laid out for you. Know why?
Because You'll always have my heart.
Because You'll always be in my head.
And because of all the ones before and all the ones after...
I'm always gonna love you the most.
Sincerely,
Me
posted by k59i84m at
1:30 AM
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