Scared Senseless

The truth of the matter is that I am scared shitless I can't even function properly.

I don't like this... not one bit. I'm starting to feel things I buried a long, long time ago. They weren't supposed to come back... and the funny thing is, we're just getting started.

It's not even halfway through yet and already these little butterflies are supersizing into moths inside the pit of my stomach and the base of my four-chambered atrio-ventricular pumping machine. I don't have a heart, remember? It's been shattered into a bajillion shards a hundred times over.

Why do you torture me with such sweetness, God, if only to take it away? Truth be told, I'm running a muck inside of myself and as much as I would love to deny it, I cannot help but think that you're feeling some sort of satisfaction over seeing me squirm in my seat. *thunder thunder* What? that's how I feel. I'm not mad at you or anything, I'm just... restless.

Here's my prayer anyway.

Help me let go, because I can't afford to hold on.
Help me be free, because I don't want to cling.
Help me be brave, because I hate being scared.
Most of all, dear God,
Help me be me...
because I don't think I can handle getting lost like that again.