It's just off.

Have you ever woken up and for some reason you just found yourself in an inexplicable state of anger? Not the residual kind of anger from the night before or the anticipatory kind of anger at the day's coming event... but the kind of anger that gets you to ask yourself why, but the only sensible answer to yourself is you don't know.

I woke up today feeling like that... and I honestly had no idea why.

I just was, and i hated myself for it. But that only made me angrier than I already was, so you could only guess how that turned out.

It's funny really... I didn't exactly wake up at the wrong side of the bed. It's more like, I woke up wrong.

The rest of the day wasn't any better. My head was strung tight and everything else was just too full of shit to deal with. I had, on more than one ocassion, almost slapped somebody down for the littlest offense. But yeah, that's what they deserve for being oh-so-pointless.

I can't help myself. It's one of those days when even if you know nothing's extremely wrong, you just wanna say "Fuck it all" and start throwing your weight around. Then again, maybe I'm the only one who feels like this.

I am a special case after all, so says the therapist.

When days like this come to me, I realize how little all that expensive clinic jailtime has helped me. Coz when you're okay, you're not supposed to feel things like this. They say when you're okay, it's like a 24-hour Prozac high - you feel nothing, and yet you feel happy. 11 long years, 7 kinds of lithium, and 12 phenobarbitals later, I still don't know what that feels like.

A third of the time, I'm out of it. Half of it, i'm completely numb. The rest, i'm either too sad, too entertained, too dazed, or too volatile.

I woke up today feeling angry for no apparent reason. Pretty soon, it's going to go away.

Maybe then I can say I'm alright, and actually know how that means.